Badge of Parenthood

What is good Parenting? What does it take to be a good parent today, especially if you work abroad and away from your children?

They said, the best thing to spend on your children is your time. You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.  How am I supposed to react to this? Can single parenting lend an excuse from this unwavering quote?

I feel so unjustly right in this kind of situation, but extra suffocating when others think that my means to liven up my family is a mistake.  How it became a fault when you only desired for them to have a comfortable life?  Am I a bad parent if my children didn’t reciprocate my sacrifices and become one problem of our society?  How can we justify this? How can I become a good parent out of this?

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My 14 year old, claiming himself as a good son.

 Having a long distance relationship with my son is crucial and painful. It took him a lot of courage and wide understanding of the situation. He became someone not on his age to soothe these things out, but so far he handles it with good care.

I would accept that there is always lack of physical attention to each other. I have the guilt in my gut and do self-loathe all the time, but I wonder if I don’t have the ability and desire to give him a promising future, where he could be? Is just love enough by equipping to raise him? How can you call love without sacrifices?

Parenting will not teach you how to become a good parent, but it will teach you how to fail and stood up, and that is my badge.

It is vital that when educating our children’s brains that we do not neglect to educate their hearts. —The Dalai Lama

WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

One of my sentiments of being a single parent arises once school enrollment comes. Lack of financial support from the father of my son makes me wonder how good his life must be away from this responsibility. Sometimes, I pity myself I wouldn’t deny that, but consolation comes when I think about the past years that I stood up for the challenges and hardship of being the sole financial supporter of my son.

Yes, I am proud of it and at times I keep asking myself how did I do it? I just feel the awesomeness inside!

I am a single parent and I have my pride and I have my son.

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To all single parents out there, let’s be determined to be blissful in whatever situation we are in and will might be. We don’t have to force our self to be both parents because God will make up for what is missing.  Let’s create the best of us because our contentment and distresses depends upon our dispositions in our life, and not from our situations.

We should always remember, we are good enough. Good enough to pay for the next school enrollment. haha. 🙂

B – BIG BOY

Dear My Big Boy,

I am so sad today and I don’t know why. Something lures in my mind that impede me to work and move. Maybe boredoms hit me again and all I could ever think is you.

When I was in metro train this morning, I saw this little boy clinging to his nanny so tight. I couldn’t stop watching him till he was gone. I hate to admit it, but I don’t like what I have seen, it makes me so sick.

Perhaps I am sad because I miss you. And missing you is not simple to hold. And to hold you is all I want to do. And to do this thing are very impossible at this moment. And that makes me sad.

How I wish your near and we could go out and have some fun. I wish tonight we could sleep in the same bed together, do our pillow fights and end our night with the same prayer.

I wish.

Missing you,

Your Mom

(written Oct 27,2010)

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IDK

I recall when I chatted with my son in messenger and asked him about something, he replied with letters IDK. I responded with annoyance by asking what do those letters mean?

He replied with “I don’t know”, and I was like shouting at him for answering me with those words.  You can’t imagine the lecture I have given to him.

Then he explained IDK means “I don’t know.” And there it goes, I just laughed.

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When this text shortcuts for chat messengers & SMS texting started, I was not really into it. Honestly, I hate to read any messages using this kind of shortcuts, I really criticize and demand to send me messages with proper text.

Some would say I have to follow what is trending and not to be old fashioned about it, but simply I disagreed. Unless you have frailties in writing and the shortcut is needed, then I would really understand.

Anyhow, sorry for those who are using shortcuts. If you are offended just LMK 🙂

DAMAGED

“And that was the greatest heartbreak of all- no matter how spectacular we want our children to be, no matter how perfect we pretend they are, they are bound to disappoint. As it turns out, kids are more like us than we think: damaged, through and through.”

Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes      

 

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Responsibility. Big word.

People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”  – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince      

Responsibility. Big word.

I started to become responsible when I have my son in my life. Though I was quiver for a while, and took me a little way to escape, but still I was able to play the track again.

Before my husband left us for another woman, I became a full time wife. Though I didn’t enjoy it and came to a point of hating it, later I realized it was a good job after all. Taking care of your kids full time has always been a privilege for us mothers. It was a happy, hard, boring moments in my life, but I always feel grateful whenever I think about it.

When my marriage failed, I was left alone with my hand’s full of responsibility; our son, our credit card bills &  jobless! as if I was doomed to carry all the hardship in life without a taste of readiness.  I was afraid to wake up in the morning because I don’t know what to do, where to start & how could I go on.  I even tried to think it’s better to die then, but when I saw my son’s face sleeping peacefully beside me, I had woken up from my selfish deeds. Yes, I have to be responsible forever for what I have tamed, responsible for my son’s life.

Responsibility, big word, It is.

Because of that, I was able to pick up the pieces of myself one by one, slowly but considerably. I went through this kind of rebellion; school, drinking, work, drinking, boyfriends, and I treated my son as my last priority.

I always came home from work late and drunk. In that usual occasion, my Parents reprimanded me by locking all the doors and not wanting me to go inside. I even pee outside on our porch and vomited several times. I was such a difficult person at that time. Then one night, I went home bombed with alcohol, I was calling my Mother to open the door for me, unexpectedly, my son did. I was startled, so I stand straight, not wanting him to see my drunken face and asked him why he still awake. With sluggish and innocent look, he replied without hesitations; “’I’m afraid you couldn’t get in since grandma doesn’t want to open the door for you.”

I have believed since that night, I became his responsibility and he should be my top priority. I could no longer endure my pointless disposition, I almost forgot there was someone who always waited for me to come home, my little rose, my son, my responsibility.

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LONG DISTANCE HEART’S DAY

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My son grew up so fast more than I expected.  Now he’s telling he couldn’t make a Valentines Card for me because he has a lot of errands to catch up this day.  He doesn’t even mind when I told him that it’s about time for me to meet someone because I am left out already.  A mother sentiment, perhaps, when you realized that you is no longer the center of his attention.

However, I don’t quit easily. So I made him this little personal message and sent it to his Facebook account. Guys are always guys, they will surely appreciate what you have done to them, but most of the time they just keep it for themselves, and we ladies are simply on the other way around.

As a mother, I will always do this no matter how annoying our children’s to be. They might not appreciate you the way we wanted them to be but there is always the right time for everything. Let’s just keep continuing to show how much we love them and surprise them whatever we could do till they realize that a parent’s love is irreplaceable.

Well, I got a reply from my son.

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(Thanks mommy, love you)

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!

POWER OF TOUCH

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Power of touch.   Yes even a little touch can go a long way. Whatever your relationship status and position in life, we need human physical affections. It is comforting, stress reducing and gives us joy and happiness.

What sense of touch brings back memories for me? Well, the touch of my parents during my sickness. I always got sick when I was young and it was really calming when both of them comforted me. I always felt like I was really loved.

Now, I am far away from them and honestly I really miss it. And I was thinking probably my Son miss it too. I just couldn’t let him feel the warmth of my skin, the unconditional touch of my loving hand and my assurance that whatever he feels, I am just there.

So sad but this is the reality.

#365 days of writing prompts#
the sense of touch brings 
back memories for you.

A Mother Sentiments

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Out of the blue, I was able to open my son’s Facebook on my mobile phone. I think he used it when I was with him during my vacation; he wasn’t able to sign it out. As a mother, I am very much curious to know what is happening to him, I would defend myself that this is my right, even though I am invading his privacy. Now I understand when my Mother read my diary because I am doing the same too, I think we have only one intention, and that is to be aware.

So, I am constantly checking my son Facebook now and his messages. I am making sure that he is not using nasty words and whatever not prohibited for his age. Whenever I found something on his page or messages that caught my attention, I usually pretended to discussed it with him as if I am guessing the situation.

Honestly, this gives me an anxiety. It makes me realize that he is no longer a baby anymore, but an already a teen. The crucial age where Parents should be there to guide, teach and watch their children, and I just can’t simply be there because I am afraid to leave my work; that both of us will be starving.

As a mother I feel so damn pathetic and useless. How had I been able to waste such years without seeing him grow? If I could just turn back the time, I will stay there with him and tried to embrace the possibility that maybe I couldn’t give him everything he needed, but at least I was there for him, physically and emotionally.

What I have now is only my Prayer that he will grow to be a good person, and the miracle that I am asking for God to happen. I will not count my tears, I will it flow until my faith will make it stop.

OK?

OK?

“Whatever sacrifices I made for you are none of your business. All you gotta do is grow up and be happy. Then I will have everything I have ever wanted.”

I hope that would be OK for now.

DAMN TEARS

Suddenly I cried. It’s been a while since I shed tears because of sadness.

There are only two things that made me into this;

First, if I saw a Christmas tree when holiday is fast approaching.  It means another year of special occasion away from home.

Second, if I saw my son’s letters, cards and drawings out of the plan.  That’s why I keep them away from my sight.  It would really change the atmosphere.

Gosh.  I really miss him so badly.  He just grew up like that and I have missed so much opportunity to see him grow.  And it really hurts to accept.

Sometimes I feel life is so cruel to hold and it is more painful when you don’t know when this will end.

Damn tears, it keeps on falling.

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MOM You are Great.

One of the hardest journeys of being a mother is not to see your children growing every day. Your absence in their first step, birthdays, special occasions, school children-parents activities, first circumcision and menstruation, graduation and the rest.One of the sacrifices of being a mother is the need to prioritize her children before herself. What makes a mother feel disastrous is when she sees her children unhappy and unsuccessful.

A lot of stuff to describe the importance of our mother in our lives, no matter who they are and what they have done, they deserve to be called the GREATEST MOM!

A celebration for all mothers who are away from their families and to those who are lucky enough to be with them!

Happy mother’s day to all!

 

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HAPPY NEW YEAR

We are supposed to welcome the new year together, make a noise, eat and play. Missing you in this celebration and wishing you to be safe, healthy, happy, more love, more fun and play.

Happy new year my son,  thinking & loving you from miles away.

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SAD

The last couple of weeks has been a complete whirlwind of work, which, combined with some other stuff left me in a pothole. It’s just that going back to work from a one month vacation has been quite an adversity; emotionally and physically.

How can you favorably work with a good tune with your mind is not into it? It’s so difficult when you experience this emotional turmoil which you cannot control. Even I tried my best to stay focus which has always been my reason why I am here.

Earlier than my vacation, I was thinking what kind of boy I will meet after one year past. Even though the telephone calls and Facebook provide a significant help for communication still a personal contact is much different and real.

When I finally met my son, I would say he is still fairly the same and different. Sweet, handsome and strict as before, taller, and bigger compared. He became more mature and playful with me. He doesn’t like TOM & JERRY anymore, instead; he is connected with computers, basketball and wrestling activities.

But the most important thing that has never changed within is his AFFECTION and UNDERSTANDING towards me, and that makes me ever proud of. A relationship bounded with love and compassion which not all the mothers-children relationship has.

And that makes me sad without him around, but life must go on, whether I like it or not.

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