I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. The longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. This has got to be harder than anything that I have ever done, being this close to you but yet so far away.
I had to write to you today and, in a way, try to sooth this feeling that took over me so strongly. To miss someone is something you can’t explain; and being in a painful consequence of love, it may even be harder to describe than love itself.
I needed to tell you how much I am missing you today and how good it would make me feel to have your skin close to mine, to hold hands, to feel your breath and to look into your eyes. I miss the simple things, yet simple as they may be, they can only come true when you are near.
Until that moment arrives, I send to you across the miles, my tender love and my warm embrace.
It was such a lovely day. All her friends and family gathered together to celebrate the most awaiting day. Never in her life, she imagined she would meet someone exactly the person she longs to have; good, kind and handsome. Not that he only accepted her, but everyone around in her life. It was the miracle she was wishing for. To have someone who will call her own.
Everyone is smiling, wishing them well, sharing the incontestable feelings as if their prayers have been answered as well. There was no hesitation, no looking back because the past is something to be learned, but the present is more significant.
Promises are made, but not to be broken.
Love will never be weakened.
Always ready to face the approaching dares and will never forget the affirmations made.
Love is made to be loyal, faithful and joyful.
It must be respected. It needs to be enjoyed.
“I have prepared everything in my life, but you, I never see you coming. You are my most favorite surprise.” He said.
I woke up with the sound of my alarm clock, damn, we should have kissed!
I am grateful that in my jaded life, he came along unexpectedly, accepting me for the things that I have and have-not, for the things that I can give enough and couldn’t give him much. And now, I am putting him in the picture, advocating for something that would see how the relationship budge for long years.
The relationship upholds amazingly by hoping for each other that we could be together someday. The distance serves the fence for all the chances we could do and enjoy, but this distance helped me to believe that maybe, there is really LOVE existing in this imperfect universe. That for millions of billions of people, God hold back one for us.
On the whole, I have to admit that I loved him. It was not a difficult task, it’s the easiest thing to do in this world, just to love. But what seize the hardship is when the relationship experience a stony road along the way. And that is my dread.
But sometimes to dread is to learn, and to learn is to accept the things that cannot be changed.
Never thought of this day would come to just go off and never think about him anymore. Maybe moving on is so easy when you have so many things in hand. I couldn’t sustain the relationship anymore, I couldn’t trust. Things have been changing and I can’t go back from the past.
I am so sorry, but I am not in love with you anymore.
Aging is not creepy, but I am not ready for it. Honestly, I am starting to think about it, but I just couldn’t still digest it to my system. Maybe I am quite frightened, not because I will develop wrinkles & gray hair, but maybe aging alone with emotional & psychological roller coaster periods is scary more than I can imagine.
How will I stay young at heart as I get older?
Well, just trying to be happy, hopeful and not expecting anything more than in this life are ways of making my heart at young. I believe our heart will never get old, only our physique, but never ever our soul.
I believe getting older is getting better and wiser.
When one of my so-called friend said “it’s better not to have kids than to have one without a husband or a father”, I could feel my blood is about to shatter in my veins. What the heck is she talking about? In my defense, I would say “It’s better not to have a cheater husband than to suffer for the rest of my life”.
Another acquaintance told me that I should find someone new because it’s hard to sleep alone every night. That no matter what, I would be always lonely in my bed. My blood wasn’t about to explode that time because there is a half-truth of it. Yes, at first it was hard to endure, there were times you really wanted to have someone beside you if you go to bed or when you wake up the next day. I slept with some of my boyfriends, and to be honest, my life has never changed while I’m still with them, I still couldn’t find peace. Sex is not always matter, it’s not all about what had happened in the bedroom makes you happy, you can’t just live like that.
So if somebody would tell me again about it, I would say, I was able to sleep soundly & deeply now without someone beside me. It’s uncomfortable to have someone near me snoring!
Being a single Parent, I have faced some issues in my life; from supporting my son alone, from the reaction of people, from the notion that I wasn’t good enough, with these & that coming from people who have no idea the whole story of my life. At first it was really appalling and annoying, but somehow I have proven my worth, not everybody can be like me, so what the hell.
I always feel outsider every time the ladies talked about their husbands & marital affairs. Because I am a single Parent, I could only share my past, which they knew it already. Sometimes I envy them, but most of the time, I just feel like lucky enough that I don’t have to deal any difficulties with any man. I can see things much better now.
Leaving the people you love behind is worse than you can imagine. You don’t want to say goodbye, to look back or even to wave because it will make your heart fall apart. Though I’m doing this scenario for 8 years, but still, I feel the sadness and pain, still I cry for it.
Goodbye my dear Philippines, till I come back again. I am missing everything & everyone already.
What makes it difficult with your power, a single snap of your magic wand to let this man appear in my front?
Was it difficult to find a good one?
Or maybe it was not at all in your plan?
I asked you not because I don’t trust You. I am just impatient to know where’s my heart about to run.
I want to love with hope, knowing that I can still have the person next, without being sure that soon he will gone.
I want to set my heart to a direction where I can find ease. I just need my heart feel at peace. Just peace.
I have decided to make a journal from now on every time I am feeling lonesome. I don’t know what’s matter with me for this past few weeks; it’s not that I am experiencing menopausal period which I firmly believe is still far from that possibility. I just feel like this.
Am lazy especially at work. I don’t feel the enthusiasm to do what I am supposed especially if there is no one around to supervise my actions.
I eat a lot. I didn’t think of how to lose my weight again, back to 45 kilos. I am like 47.5 now.
I want to stay at my bed all the time rather than to chit-chat.
I feel like the day is just passing by and hate to realize nothing has ever changed in my life.
I hate listening to someone’s trouble and woe. It makes me sick.
I want to be alone.
Keep on dreaming about dead people. I can’t even pray for them.
I feel guilty on something. How am I supposed to figure it out?
I couldn’t cry.
I keep on thinking ’bout my folks & son back home.
Does the start of the “ber” months bring you hope and optimism?
I just have noticed that today is 15th of SeptemBER. Usually everyone recognizes this month because it signifies that Christmas is coming. Maybe this year has been a roller coaster ride for us and it is certainly not lacking in trials and challenges, but do you look forward the last few months of the year more positively now that Christmas is just around the corner?
Some of us the start of the month of September brings a glimmer of hope and faith and there are more of us, OFW just take it as an ordinary day.
Working in a Muslin Country which has no Christmas public holiday is really a gloomy celebration for us. Some are still working on the 25th day. Lucky are those who have an employer who knows how to respect the culture of others.
As for me I have been celebrating the Christmas away from home for 5 years and it will add another this year. I truly miss celebrating it with my family and I almost forgot how it feels to be. This is the real situation. Painful and yet we need to be brave.