TIRED.

She sat across from me, looking exhausted and defeated.

“I am horribly tired.” she said.

“Not again” I sighed.

Her grumble hit a familiar chord, as if her words echoed within me.

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My bittersweet

You are my bittersweet burns through my heart.

Always asking myself when this will last.

You are my favorite mistake, my bittersweet ache.

I know one day, we will be apart.

 

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I AM SO SORRY

I am grateful that in my jaded life, he came along unexpectedly, accepting me for the things that I have and have-not, for the things that I can give enough and couldn’t give him much. And now, I am putting him in the picture, advocating for something that would see how the relationship budge for long years.

The relationship upholds amazingly by hoping for each other that we could be together someday. The distance serves the fence for all the chances we could do and enjoy, but this distance helped me to believe that maybe, there is really LOVE existing in this imperfect universe. That for millions of billions of people, God hold back one for us.

On the whole, I have to admit that I loved him. It was not a difficult task, it’s the easiest thing to do in this world, just to love. But what seize the hardship is when the relationship experience a stony road along the way. And that is my dread.

But sometimes to dread is to learn, and to learn is to accept the things that cannot be changed.

Never thought of this day would come to just go off and never think about him anymore. Maybe moving on is so easy when you have so many things in hand. I couldn’t sustain the relationship anymore, I couldn’t trust. Things have been changing and I can’t go back from the past.

I am so sorry, but I am not in love with you anymore.

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Forever Young

Aging is not creepy, but I am not ready for it. Honestly, I am starting to think about it, but I just couldn’t still digest it to my system. Maybe I am quite frightened, not because I will develop wrinkles & gray hair, but maybe aging alone with emotional & psychological roller coaster periods is scary more than I can imagine.

How will I stay young at heart as I get older?

Well, just trying to be happy, hopeful and not expecting anything more than in this life are ways of making my heart at young. I believe our heart will never get old, only our physique, but never ever our soul.

I believe getting older is getting better and wiser.

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 In response to the Daily Prompt: Young at Heart

Not everybody can be like me.

When one of my so-called friend said “it’s better not to have kids than to have one without a husband or a father”, I could feel my blood is about to shatter in my veins. What the heck is she talking about? In my defense, I would say “It’s better not to have a cheater husband than to suffer for the rest of my life”.

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Another acquaintance told me that I should find someone new because it’s hard to sleep alone every night. That no matter what, I would be always lonely in my bed. My blood wasn’t about to explode that time because there is a half-truth of it. Yes, at first it was hard to endure, there were times you really wanted to have someone beside you if you go to bed or when you wake up the next day. I slept with some of my boyfriends, and to be honest, my life has never changed while I’m still with them, I still couldn’t find peace. Sex is not always matter, it’s not all about what had happened in the bedroom makes you happy, you can’t just live like that.

So if somebody would tell me again about it, I would say, I was able to sleep soundly & deeply now without someone beside me. It’s uncomfortable to have someone near me snoring!

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Being a single Parent, I have faced some issues in my life;  from supporting my son alone, from the reaction of people, from the notion that I wasn’t good enough, with these & that coming from people who have no idea the whole story of my life. At first it was really appalling and annoying, but somehow I have proven my worth, not everybody can be like me, so what the hell.

The Ex-Wife Outsider

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I always feel outsider every time the ladies talked about their husbands & marital affairs. Because I am a single Parent, I could only share my past, which they knew it already. Sometimes I envy them, but most of the time, I just feel like lucky enough that I don’t have to deal any difficulties with any man. I can see things much better now.

The Daily Prompt: The Ex-Wife Outsider

HEAVEN KNOWS

“Lately I have had a lot days filled with tedium and whines,
all of them lead me to talk to God with anxiety and a little accusation.

Probably because I have had something in my heart that have gone astray
no matter how much I beg Him about it.

Comparing my situation with that of another is all I could ever do
because a day with this is a day of my hopelessness.

I was asking Him why in my prayers, it was just incompletely answered,
why He can’t give it everything to me?

In desperation, I utter words of Him being one-sided,
I challenge Him to give it all & He’ll see how I can handle it with care.

Until now, God’s plan has been peculiar for me,
Yet, inimitable but full of wonder.

He is more than we can imagine, inevitability,
And no matter of thousands how

Only Heaven knows to answer the whys.”

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I WANT IT ALL, I WANT IT NOW.

After I have moved to my new room, I have gotten enough sleep for 3 nights.

It feels good.

As if I don’t care what’s on the outside.

I wish this would keep happening, even slight without changing.

But

I feel I am depress.

I want to hide.

I want to stay still.

I want a good change.

I want to be someone else,

who is a fighter

a maker

a doer

a fearless.

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Journey is joyful but….

HARD.

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Leaving the people you love behind is worse than you can imagine. You don’t want to say goodbye, to look back or even to wave because it will make your heart fall apart. Though I’m doing this scenario for 8 years, but still, I feel the sadness and pain, still I cry for it.

Goodbye my dear Philippines, till I come back again. I am missing everything & everyone already.

Hello Dubai.

LONELY 103

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How I wish you’re here…

To pat my shoulders
Caress my head
Kiss my cheeks.

How I wish you’re close..

To squeeze me tight
See me cry
Makes me smile.

I wish there’s no wall
No others
Only just you and I.

LONELY 102

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I am sick and i feel so alone.
I wish I have my mom beside me, a father would carry me, a son would make me smile or someone who would just sit beside me and console me that everything will be fine.

I wish I don’t feel alone tonight, but I am.

Just peace

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What makes it difficult with your power, a single snap of your magic wand to let this man appear in my front?
Was it difficult to find a good one?
Or maybe it was not at all in your plan?
I asked you not because I don’t trust You. I am just impatient to know where’s my heart about to run.
I want to love with hope, knowing that I can still have the person next, without being sure that soon he will gone.
I want to set my heart to a direction where I can find ease. I just need my heart feel at peace. Just peace.

LONELY 101

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I have decided to make a journal from now on every time I am feeling lonesome. I don’t know what’s matter with me for this past few weeks; it’s not that I am experiencing menopausal period which I firmly believe is still far from that possibility. I just feel like this.

Behavior:

  1. Am lazy especially at work. I don’t feel the enthusiasm to do what I am supposed especially if there is no one around to supervise my actions.
  2. I eat a lot. I didn’t think of how to lose my weight again, back to 45 kilos. I am like 47.5 now.
  3. I want to stay at my bed all the time rather than to chit-chat.
  4. I feel like the day is just passing by and hate to realize nothing has ever changed in my life.
  5. I hate listening to someone’s trouble and woe. It makes me sick.
  6. I want to be alone.
  7. Keep on dreaming about dead people. I can’t even pray for them.
  8. I feel guilty on something. How am I supposed to figure it out?
  9. I couldn’t cry.
  10. I keep on thinking ’bout my folks & son back home.

I know I am not depress.  I am just lonely, maybe?

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“Ber” months.

Does the start of the “ber” months bring you hope and optimism?

I just have noticed that today is 15th of SeptemBER. Usually everyone recognizes this month because it signifies that Christmas is coming. Maybe this year has been a roller coaster ride for us and it is certainly not lacking in trials and challenges, but do you look forward the last few months of the year more positively now that Christmas is just around the corner?

Some of us the start of the month of September brings a glimmer of hope and faith and there are more of us, OFW just take it as an ordinary day.

Working in a Muslin Country which has no Christmas public holiday is really a gloomy celebration for us. Some are still working on the 25th day. Lucky are those who have an employer who knows how to respect the culture of others.

As for me I have been celebrating the Christmas away from home for 5 years and it will add another this year. I truly miss celebrating it with my family and I almost forgot how it feels to be. This is the real situation. Painful and yet we need to be brave.

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I LOVE ABOUT YOU

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  1. The way you can get me out of a bad mood. You know how to make me smile.
  2. You always reminded me how beautiful I am.
  3. Our nights in.
  4. That your letters never fail to make me smile and cry.
  5. The way you smell and look sexy when you just had a shower.
  6. You’re a loyal friend.
  7. Always followed my instructions.
  8. Your different way to please me.
  9. How natural things seem between us
  10. When you utter the words “I love you” to me. It sounds forever

BORROWED TIME

I have loved you and still loving you

But my love has limitations when it comes to you.

From the very start I know what I have been doing

I know exactly with you where I am going.

I have set my heart into freedom of loving you

Believing that one day I must let you go.

I grab the possibility of being happy today

And just deal the circumstance of being hurt someday.

You can say I didn’t love you completely

It is because I need to give myself less weary.

Yes I am ready to lose you

I hope you will accept it too.

Don’t make this hard for both of us

Somehow we need to pay the price.

We had the best of times in our life

And now is the time to say goodbye.

 

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