BECAUSE I HAVE HURT YOU

Sometimes, we are the one who causes pain.  And I realized I owe a quite a bit of apology.

I met you at my lowest times.  I wasn’t exactly looking for love in that span of time, but just someone to fool around. I got you as the rebound for my failed relationship. I know I have created a big mess and have had hurt you enormously.

It should be a jarring relationship and because you are so good to suffer my flaws, I have to end it. My conscience begs me to do it because deep inside I know you are not worthy to share of every drop from my lies and insincerity.

I am sorry about the way I handled things to end.  You were too great, but I was so sure of myself that still, I can’t love you back, or anyone else.

I am sorry for ignoring your calls, for hiding myself and for keeping the truth. I am sorry for making you love me and never reciprocated it. I am sorry for giving you heartache you never deserved, for being with me in times of my needs, but left you unsettled. So sorry because I have hurt you cruelly.

Despite all, THANK YOU for writing me today, for hearing my words with an assurance that it wasn’t hard for you to forgive me.  Thank you for letting me those guilts off my chest.

I’m happy now that you got your real love from someone who deserves you better than me. I cheer for your endless happiness.

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EMBRACE YOUR FEELINGS

I stop apologizing for having feelings.

I don’ care if you have seen my feelings as a character flaw and a weakness. I don’t mind if you looked down on me for having emotions of sulkiness.  I accepted the blunder that I have given you the opportunity to bruise me, but I am not giving my sorry when I am not okay.

I cannot cover up my vulnerability. I can’t be cruel enough to myself. Those who can’t accept my emotions and have a hard time dealing with me and have no intention to foster both side’s feelings, then let’s put the history down to the dirty sink. And yes, it would be better for all of us.

I don’t need to apologize for what I am.

It’s not my problem when you don’t understand a single thing about my emotions. Maybe you can’t fathom because we are no longer on the same level. While every person is different, a conversation needs to start out rather than an apology, but it never happened. Resentment has been piled up, misunderstanding mixed-up, I have never blamed anyone to my defense, but for my own sentiment.

I cannot apologize for the friendship lost, instead, I want to speak my gratitude.

Thank you for all the shared memories of laughter, for the sadness, and for everything in between. I appreciate all of the things you do, big and small. Thank you for making me doubt myself, wondering what I meant to you all along, whether I was just a convenience for your own time or mine.

Thanks a ton for letting me think far what is the true meaning of friendship and relationship, the essence of when to hold and to let go. Thank you for making me realized there’s nothing wrong to snug the corners of our lives, keeping who’s important and give up who isn’t.

For all of this, thank you for making me embrace my feelings.

I bid mine goodbye for everything. Let’s grow apart and keep moving forward.

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LUXURY OF ORDINARY DAY

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Hanging out with you is one of the best choices to break the monotony of life. Something that I can do randomly without being pushed on how to act and talk in front of you, just like being together is spontaneous and effortless. I can imagine the simple, yet a perfect moment of our lingering. Taking time to breathe, to smell the fragrance of our coffee or tea, and the pleasant presence of each other.

There is no perfect time than to hang out with serenity and break my stress. The little luxury of the ordinary day sounds the antidote of all the misery of this world, that is why it is significant for me to hang out with you even so we don’t have anything to talk about, just have to be myself and laugh.

In a moment like this, I don’t need to brag to everyone that I’m having a good time. No burden to show them because this is palpable and soothing. With someone like you, a cozy place to stay on, a perfect cup to sip on, a smile on our faces, everything, yes everything is comforting and I don’t want to end.

Let’s hang out again!

SOMETHING TO YEARN

Three days ago was my 39th birthday.  Before I decided to celebrate and be the spotlight of the day, I was pondering little things about what this year is going to bring.  I think, the feelings raised from being nostalgic, I just returned from my vacation in the Philippines and I’ve been feeling gloomy for weeks.

When my father asked me when will I settle back in the Philippines, I have nothing to answer. It’s not the first time I have asked, some friends do the same questioning too. Honestly, I really want to stay for good. I have never liked going back and forth carrying the same baggage of longing and sadness. Even for nine years of hello and goodbye, still, the feeling is the same – tragic.

Then I ask myself, when? what are my plans? now that I am not getting any younger, must have laid the things to be done and be prepared.  Well, there are so many things to do, plans? I have more on the list, I just don’t know how and when to start. Am I lacking inspiration? Maybe financial incapacity? or am I just scared to take risks and frightened to feel regrets? But no matter how much I think, I still couldn’t fathom.

I believe there is no perfect outcome when it comes to what we should do with our lives because sometimes what we have planned is not will happen, and that frustrates us more. But I know every person has “something” that keeps them on their toes, gives them a high, and keeps them thrilled. We just don’t need to stop looking and making it happen.

For another year that God gave me, I am with gratefulness. I still have something that my heart wants to do, and I will never stop yearning. I know, that when the perfect time comes, everything will be spontaneous with God’s grace.

Happy new life to all of us!

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TREAT ME LIKE.

I know that treating someone how they treat you is passive-aggressive behavior, meaning we are not being honest at all about our own feelings. Simply, we are just reacting to what happens around us without being open and facing the issues.  At some point in our life, we are guilty of this behavior, possibly because when we have treated badly, we want to pay them back, and of course, they don’t like it, just like we don’t.

They said,how others treat you is a reflection and we teach others how to treat us.  Some people interpret and understand the behavior of others, and some cannot.

Now, it is in our responsibility to allow or not to allow such nerve breaking treatment and it’s up to us if we are going to clear and let them understand how we want to be treated, or just continuously treat them the way they have treated us.

You will be the one to decide after all.

Going Home

I arrived at the Philippine airport safely and sound. The eight hours travel was quite good and smooth, thanks be to God. But unfortunately, my domestic flight (Manila to Davao City) was canceled and have to wait for another eight hours or to be a lucky chance passenger I could hope for.

I really wanted to be furious to my travel agent who wasn’t able to rebook my ticket earlier. I wanted to blame the airline for giving us this trouble not only because we are tired, but we couldn’t afford to waste a single day, you know we treat our Christmas vacation with a high importance.

But of course, we cannot control everything. I can’t manage my travel agent’s carelessness, the fact that I may never know what was going on in the aircraft too. We cannot control what is going to happen, but we can control our reaction, right?

So I’m totally fine and I will not fight with anyone, even my ass is aching from sitting, my legs are hurting, my body is shivering and my eyes are dying to sleep. Instead, I would think that my family is patiently waiting for me.

I’m going home to the place where I belong.

TYPES OF FRIENDS I CAME ACROSS

I believe that Friends just kind of happen. Life without them would definitely be boring. There are few special friendships last a lifetime, some, unfortunately, take years to fade away while others end dramatically. It’s an interesting process in life, right? whether we like it or not, we have come to realize which friendship deserve nurture and which are a slog.

So what kinds of friends I came across until this moment? here’s my list.

The Parent figure – Just like our Parent, this person is refined when it comes to being truthful and honest. They can tell you directly anything under the sun, and therefore you can always rely on them to seek good advice.

Friends who are up for anything – This is a bunch of friends who are always willing to try anything out of their comfort zone. They are always available to be dragged on.

The funny one – A friend who does silly things, they have a talent for quick and witty jokes. The one will have you laughing until you are crying with laughter.

The emotional one – They are expressive and very open about their feelings. They are the ones who will cry first before you do.

The friend that’s always “on the way” – A friend who is always late and never apologize for it. The reason why you have to schedule the time earlier than the expected.

Friends who are loyal –  The hardest one to find. A nonjudgmental friend who will accept you no matter what. They don’t care about your reputation or any mistakes, you have made. They know all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but still, love you all the same.

Brutally Friend – They are the ones who speak with their minds, not in a sarcastic way. They tend to be honest about what they feel and think of you.

The BFF – I believe that this is someone I choose to be my second family. They called it  Friendships of the good which is based on respect, appreciation, honesty, acceptance, and love.

Friends who make the effort – A friend who would always make an effort and offer their time to meet, to talk and bond.  They usually remind us that friendship should not be forgotten, but to be nurtured.

The strong one – Someone who is not good to argue and fight with, they will not leave you behind without getting any what they want. In good side, they are the one who will fight for you and go with you in a battle.

Sullen Friend – They are the ones who are grumpy, sulky, gloomy, sour, or moody.  In short, they bring negativity.

I know everything – This is an arrogant attitude which is simply annoying. A friend who would think everything he/she thinks are right and will always insist on it.  They are the ones who don’t accept other’s opinions because they think they are always right and they know everything, well except themselves.

The High Level – A friend who thinks he/she is greater than any friend he/she has. They hate to be criticized, they don’t want to hear someone saying anything bad about them.  They condemn disapproval.  They always wanted to be the center of the attention.

I don’t care – The cool ones I believed. They just follow the flows without complaining, they don’t care if you hated them then love them again. They don’t like dramas so they either ignore you or talk to you directly, then forget the issue.

The happy ones – The kind of friend we will love most I believed.  They are the ones who change the gloomy side to positivity.  They will drag you up and let you see the brighter side.

There are so many kinds of friends I have met, I think I forgot to include some on the list. Most of these friends I came across are still with me and a few of them left from my life, for good. It is really true that true friendship is hard to find, develop and keep.

As they say “a friend will tell you what you want to hear, but a good friend will always tell you what you need to hear”

So let’s say thank you to our friends who bring our life into happiness and bid a happy goodbye who lose their way with us.

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FUCKING NARCISSIST

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Are you a narcissist magnet?

Nine years ago, I had a colleague that was pretty sure a Narcissist. Yes, she was the Assistant Manager,  a goal-oriented person, but with no concern for others. She was a control freak, manipulative, a finger pointer, exaggerated, always demanding special treatment, respect, and privileges. She was on the power trip. She has often targeted one person at a time until he/she quits, then employees turn over rates became high in that company.

This narcissist created a traumatic environment in the workplace and degrading the other employee’s capabilities. I recalled one of our employees having a gas and bloating problem and sleeplessness nights because of the stress she experiences every day. Another one, who always scolded because she was pregnant and tends to eat a lot in the office. These people are just one of the examples who quits their job because they cannot handle the narcissist anymore.

For five years working with this kind of person, I have experienced to be feeling frustrated and angry, but became stronger and a fighter. How did I deal with her after years of adjustment?

I complained about her to the big boss. I just make sure he knows what’s going on.

When she tried to pick on me, I never cried in front of her, that never happened. Don’t let the narcissist see your weakness because they feed on and controls these types of responses.

I don’t take her personally, though it was really hard sometimes. When she commented negatively about me, I always convince myself that there’s nothing wrong with me at all.

Always be professional. I tried to compose myself every time we had a fight because I believe I am more normal than her. I believe, the narcissist usually zeros in on people who are performing better than them at work.

Never ignore the narcissist.  This seems opposite from what some people told to just ignore them and don’t react if they are abusive. They’ll move on to another target; Well, I  I argued with her if necessary. Maybe because I can’t stand to be abused.

I never expected her to be my friend, so I didn’t buy her drama when she shows empathy or compassion.

Get everything in writing. This was my defense when the narcissist asked me to do something verbally, especially if it’s a major task.

I never give personal information or opinions to the narcissist about myself and others.

To be honest, narcissists are not pleasant to deal with, no matter how much you tried,  they are still highly conceited as if it is part of their system.  To avoid long headaches and stress in dealing with them, find alternative solutions for your own comfort. Goodluck.

BE FEARLESS TO BE CARELESS

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Once in a while, be fearless to be careless.

The less you care, the lesser your heart struggle.

Don’t spend too much of holding on to something that you knew it will never be yours.

Don’t let your heart be hustled of those feelings that are unsure.

Careless about those people who have no time to compromise their thoughts for you.

Careless about why someone is smarter than you.

Careless why it didn’t work out.

Let your heart skip a little beat and find your resting place.

Careless about the judgment of people. They’re going to judge you no matter what you do.

Careless about others’ business. Mind your own.

Careless if you have no special talent.

Careless about how horrible your boss is.

Careless about some rules, they are meant to break.

Be careless in your rambling thoughts, that’s how you feel.

Be wise enough to be fearless while being careless, we cannot do this every day in our life.  Be control because, at the end of the day, you are still the one responsible for your own feelings.

Be careless if you give your heart and they return it in pieces.

The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

Don’t ever let anyone dull your sparkle. Try to keep it under your hat.

COLOR ME

Coloring allows me to switch off my brains from unnecessary thoughts. It also helps me focus only on the moment of alleviating my anxiety.  When I color, it reminds me of my younger days where life was simple and happiness was just ordinary.

Here’s my imperfect and unfinished coloring work for the past few months. Honestly, I was able to calm my anxiety.  The patterns of my negative thinking restored to positive ones. I know, I might need it again for the coming days and I have lots of them waiting to paint and ease my angst.

You can try it too. Calm your stress with beautiful colors.

 

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THE COURAGE TO BE ME.

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Recently, I have to ask myself what kind of person I have been presenting to this world. Why I feel that I’ve been completely misjudged?  Have I failed to show the real me? Have they found out that I am holding on to each little atom in my system to appear the world that I am tough, that they can’t break me? and for that reason, have they thought of me like raindrops dripping on a stone that eventually dries up?

But I am not always like that. See, I have my high and low moment.

You might think at every turn I am strong, but I have been quite vulnerable.

I cannot stop to believe, that the world I live in only cares about what it can get from me.

I function like I am fighting on, but there were instances that I want to leave off.

Sometimes, I hate the sound of time and responsibility, it wears me down.

I always laugh and smile, but in a grey, cold day, I cried a lot.

While surrounded with people, I still find some empty faces that I couldn’t trust.

I ruled my mind of being okay to be alone, but deep inside, I despise the winding lanes of desolation, afraid where the future can take me.

I never followed all my dreams, never leads the way, and here I am pretending as an example whom you aim to be.

Look, never assume that I can accept everything you implied because now and then I can be close-minded, intolerant, impatient, selfish and plainly insensible.

Don’t be blind for what you see on me because I have so many names and at the mercy of the whim you will never understand me.

I am telling you this with sincerity, I have no time to play your silly games and just wouldn’t dance with your pretense.  I can be your friend today and might be your enemy someday. I cannot promise to stay forever because I know myself I have the tendency to walk away. But if you hold on to me, I will do the same.

Every day, I am literally trying to hold on, to what it means. I have all the courage in this word to be me, so don’t judge me easily, you might just know my name, but not my whole story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GOOD FOOD, GOOD MOOD

I am not good at cooking.  When someone says that I lose weight, I always tell them to eat what I cooked, then you can understand.  If you want to visit my place, I would ask you to bring something to eat or expect I will just call for delivery.  I can cook, but have no confidence to serve it to other people with my limited skills as if I have one.

I recall, when my family criticized my cooking, I got mad and pledge not to make food anymore.  Eventually, their criticism doesn’t affect me anymore, I have learned to take it. And of course, they accepted and devoured my own taste and style of cooking in their system. In short, they just have no choice. Seldom, I got compliments too, it’s called improvement.

Actually, I’m feeling starving today and there’s nothing special in the fridge to cook. I just have eggs and Paratha.  While scrolling my photo gallery, I saw all this mouthwatering food that instantly I wanted to eat. But hey, I didn’t cook all these, my friends do.

This is BULALO. It’s a dish with a light colored soup that is made by cooking beef shanks and marrow bones until the collagen and fat have melted into the clear broth. This is best on cool nights or on rainy days.

 

GRAB the CRAB. Steamed, baked or with oyster sauce, it’s all the same; tasty and delicious. They said this seafood supplies key vitamins and minerals that support good health, but of course, there should be only an amount of serving. Too much love will kill you.

 

Oh, my KINILAW! as one of my favorites. This a raw fish dish of (Tuna/Marlin). It is prepared to make raw cubed fish mixed with vinegar along with a calamansi or lime. It is flavored with salt and spices like black pepper, ginger, onions, and chili peppers commonly siling labuyo along with cucumber. I’m always feeling hyped when this is the food on the table. Also, it is best served along with cold beer.

 

I choose PANCIT or NOODLES over spaghetti. Yes, I can eat it any time of the day- lunch, dinner, snacks and even for breakfast.  This dish is always present in any celebrations I have. It is also believed that eating noodles will bless us with a long lasting life ahead. Well, without any reason, I just love this dish.

 

FRIED CALAMARI. My friends don’t want to make this food regularly because they said, it takes too much of their time preparing. You have to clean it,  sliced into rings, dredge the squid in flour then dip in beaten egg, etc etc. I usually cook it in adobo style which is easier for me.

 

PAKSIW NA ISDA. I hated this dish when I was young, maybe because I don’t like the taste from the vinegar, salt, garlic, and ginger.  There’s a joke that this food is common for poor Filipinos which is not really true. Paksiw Na Isda is very tasty especially if you will cook it with eggplant.

 

TANDOORI CHICKEN. This dish is very popular for Indians, but as a Pinoy, I till love this food especially if it is grilled to perfection.

 

I should stop this. I need to eat at least one of this dishes today. Happy eating everyone! Always remember GOOD FOOD, GOOD MOOD.

 

RAINDROPS WILL STOP FALLING

I know that day seems all went wrong.

For you, it was a sudden and thorny condition to be acknowledged. That’s how this life appears to be; straight and suddenly throwing you curve balls and getting you into a string of pieces.  I know you are terrified, we are. Cancer is horrifying.

But we know you are strong and filled with so much faith. We believe that everything will end very fine. I don’t know how to comfort you in words, but never forget that you are always within our prayers. God will hear us and will never abandon you.

I will be keeping fingers crossed for your successful and speedy recovery. The thought that you will be much better after this trial is very comforting to all of us.

Until then, don’t fall in there.

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IT FEELS HEAVENLY

Nothing happens in a week. I don’t mean it literally like there is lacking important events in my life. What I mean is, everything sorts of in total stasis.

There is this getting up early, and the showering, the taste of coffee and going to work. There is also after five, and the train to home, the dinner, the chatting, the bed to sleep and the rising in the next day.

This may sound a little bit repetitive, but I don’t mind at all. Who am I to complain my life when there are so many out there who are lacking what I have? It may look like n ordinary days, but I have learned to enjoy it. I always used to appreciate the normal progress of my life, and that I have concluded, though I am more becoming a dull person, I think it will be okay.

I will try to make the best of my life from what I have because it feels light, and it feels heavenly at times.

Happy Sunday to all!

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PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

“One of the luckiest things that can happen to you in life is,

I think, to have a happy childhood.”

That is me. I had a happy childhood which I always look back to with fond memories.

Even though I was fully aware of our financial struggles at that time, with our parent’s disagreements, siblings arguments and when I couldn’t have the things I wanted, this sort of things never stops me from becoming a normal happy person. Why? because my parents allowed me to fill my childhood memories with excitement, adventure, challenges and a lot of time to play despite their shortcomings and lapses.

I have so many precious memories of my childhood; outdoors in the dark with moonlight seeing, climbing high up the trees, riding bikes in the streets, making wood guns, street games, hide and seek with friends, digging holes at the beach, jumping in the waves, summer spent in the countryside, reading pocket novels, infatuation, and some church activities. In those years, a lot to said about how good life was.

And now getting old makes me yearn for the simplicity of life. I want to feel that every new day is more interesting than the last. I want to turn back time as a child when I have only to believed that nothing was impossible, that small things seem big of importance. When all my fears just fade away, and only the cuts from my knees getting me pain.  I want to remember the joy with which my mother’s touch gave me tranquility or my father’s beautiful kiss on my cheek.

I wish “I could take a single childhood memory and blow it up into a bubble and live inside it forever.”

 

 

SHE BANGS

I know you used to see me in my long and straight hair.  The time I started to dye my hair, you commented that black is still better than light brown.

When I cut my hair short, you flattered me.

After I cut my front hair to full bangs, you told me I looked like an alien, seriously? I should have felt offended, but to my relief, I did not.  It seems that I have annoyed you of my new hairstyle, sorry for that, but why do you hate my bangs?

I think it’s not all about my hairstyle. Maybe you hate my guts and the way I anticipated changes. The fact that I am not anxious about the circumstances made you think I am silly and careless. Oh please, it’s just a hair.

There is always an ample room for improvement and of course, we need to get out from our comfort zone to achieve it.  If changing something for yourself leads you to open the door for transformation, then why to hesitate.

Change is constant and “the only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

Yes, let’s dance my friend, she bangs, she bangs, oh baby when she moves, she moves..

 

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SHADES OF GRAY

For the last couple of weeks, I have swallowed in astonishment of my own conflict between my reason and emotion. I simply thought I was living in the life where black and white clarity is well defined.  I assumed that I can insist something from my limited perspective of what is really happening around.

I know it is uncomplicated to identify what is wrong and right, I was taught by that since I was born,  but then I realized that we are all living in shades of gray.  It’s not always black and white, right and wrong, good or bad, just like there were two sides to every story and the truth was probably somewhere in between the two.

I don’t want to perplex myself anymore thinking what it really is. It’s just like we are looking at the same thing but means something different. I want to believe that some part of this world fall on shades of gray because, in every situation, there is always something hard to explain, acceptance, though it is not that simple to do, it is one of the ways to pull yourself out from distortion of confusion.

If going back to the roads means I have to believe in circumstances, then I must be, because I want to live my life in black and white and lots of grays.

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SEOUL GARDEN DUBAI

This is not a paid advertisement.

If happens you are in Dubai and you want to go to an authentic Korean restaurant, well,  I recommend this place, Seoul Garden Dubai Restaurant. It was clean, with the decent price, the Korean foods are lovely and the taste was unexpectedly better.

The serving is huge which is good for sharing, the ambiance is quiet and there is a room for privacy.  You may choose to sit on a chair or experience sitting on the floor in partitioned rooms too.

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My stomach needs a hug.

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Kamsahamnida for the good food!