DAYLIGHT

Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?
This is our last night but it’s late
And I’m trying not to sleep
‘Cause I know, when I wake
I will have to slip away.

When the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But tonight I’m gonna hold you so close
‘Cause in the daylight we’ll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close.

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Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down
This is way too hard
‘Cause I know, when the sun comes up
I will leave, this is my last glance
That will soon be a memory.

And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But tonight I’m gonna hold you so close
‘Cause in the daylight we’ll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

-Maroon 5-

BEAUTIFUL GOODBYES

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Count the ways I let you down.

On my fingers and toes but I’m running out.
Clever words can’t help me now.
I grip you tight but you’re slipping out.

And I remember your eyes were so bright.
When I first met you, so in love that night.
And now I’m kissing your tears goodnight.
And I can’t take it, you’re even perfect when you cry.

Beautiful goodbye.
It’s dripping from your eyes.
Your beautiful goodbye.
It’s dripping from your eyes.

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I’m never gonna let you close to me.
Even though you mean the most to me.
‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts.

So I’m never gonna get too close to you.
Even when I mean the most to you.
In case you go and leave me in the dirt.

But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry.
And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry.
And every time you walk out, the less I love you.
Baby, we don’t stand a chance, it’s sad but it’s true.

We’re way too good at goodbyes.

Beautiful goodbye.

Too good at goodbyes.

It’s dripping from our eyes.

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*Lyrics from Maroon 5 and Sam Smith*

EMBRACE YOUR FEELINGS

I stop apologizing for having feelings.

I don’ care if you have seen my feelings as a character flaw and a weakness. I don’t mind if you looked down on me for having emotions of sulkiness.  I accepted the blunder that I have given you the opportunity to bruise me, but I am not giving my sorry when I am not okay.

I cannot cover up my vulnerability. I can’t be cruel enough to myself. Those who can’t accept my emotions and have a hard time dealing with me and have no intention to foster both side’s feelings, then let’s put the history down to the dirty sink. And yes, it would be better for all of us.

I don’t need to apologize for what I am.

It’s not my problem when you don’t understand a single thing about my emotions. Maybe you can’t fathom because we are no longer on the same level. While every person is different, a conversation needs to start out rather than an apology, but it never happened. Resentment has been piled up, misunderstanding mixed-up, I have never blamed anyone to my defense, but for my own sentiment.

I cannot apologize for the friendship lost, instead, I want to speak my gratitude.

Thank you for all the shared memories of laughter, for the sadness, and for everything in between. I appreciate all of the things you do, big and small. Thank you for making me doubt myself, wondering what I meant to you all along, whether I was just a convenience for your own time or mine.

Thanks a ton for letting me think far what is the true meaning of friendship and relationship, the essence of when to hold and to let go. Thank you for making me realized there’s nothing wrong to snug the corners of our lives, keeping who’s important and give up who isn’t.

For all of this, thank you for making me embrace my feelings.

I bid mine goodbye for everything. Let’s grow apart and keep moving forward.

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CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?

Please tell me the truth.

I want the answer.

The truth will set you free.

We are always looking for the truth, whether we like it or not.  We think that this will eradicate our suspicions, our troubled mind, jumbled feelings, to the point that we believed the truth will straighten out everything to rightness.

The question is, can you handle the truth, the circumstances after knowing the truth? Can you accept it? Like it will strip all the lies you believed in and clean out all intoxicated madness you are feeling?  Are you ready to believe it and never be confused again? Are you going to forgive?

Let us be reminded,  to know the truth is not always to put you in a situation where you can acknowledge everything in one time.  It’s more than widening your mind and heart.  But when you attain it, then it will set you free or else you will be wrecked into pieces-again.

Here’s my favorite scene from my favorite movie “A few good men.”

Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee (Tom Cruise): I think I’m entitled to them.
Jessep: You want answers?
Kaffee: I want the truth!
Jessep: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.
We use words like honor, code, loyalty…we use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use ’em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!

Kaffee: Did you order the code red?
Jessep: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.
Kaffee: Did you order the code red?
Jessep: You’re goddamn right I did!!

I AM NOT FINE

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Image credit to the owner

I’m not fine.

It’s not okay.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I am not ready to share it with you.

Give me some time.

I need space for a while.

I don’t want to see you.

I feel bad.

 

I think it’s okay to say all these words. We should at least stop hiding our feelings for a while to catch our breath and release the tension. Let’s honor our emotions and sometimes let them flow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

NAKED TRUTH

“I am still learning how to separate myself from people who aren’t on the same page as me.”

Honestly, this is not simple. There are things to contemplate before letting go of yourself to someone. It is not like someone ask you to give them space, I think that would be easier for me, but I am the only one who wants to detach myself from people that I cannot get along with anymore.

Actually, nothing really happens badly that I would think of this way, but I woke up one day that I could see the difference.  You know, like when you don’t have any more to talk about and laugh. Unlike before when you were just sitting together, it doesn’t matter if you do have a conversation or not, the sense of comfort was still there. And I’m feeling the contrary now.

So I am starting to separate myself from them. Hoping one day they will ask why and I can tell them the naked truth.

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Call me Jerk – Stephen

I wish I could die today – Zenny

I knew she had an affair with a possessive man. I knew she wanted to end the relationship, but never had. I know I can take her away from him. How? I just knew.

Two summers have gone when I first met her. The moment she entered that door, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. My gazes followed her moves, it became a shadow. I hate to say this, but I was struck by her own lightning.

It wasn’t hard to talk to her, she was full of brightness. After the day I saw her, talked to her and became her friend, I could no longer cease her in my mind.  I know I shouldn’t do it. I don’t want to steal someone’s else partner nor to hurt Zenny, but I just want it as much as I couldn’t fight it. My feeling was not enough to control, I don’t even know how to avoid it.

I may sound jerk, but I tried to break up with Zenny before I could give way to what I feel.  I told her I could no longer sustain the relationship, but never mentioned about the new girl. I asked her to give me space, not to break free, but to fill it for something else. I never tried to say I don’t love her any longer, instead I told someone’s else the opposite.

Zenny never said yes, I just assumed she understood. Sometimes, I do really hate her persistence and yes, you can hate me too for my shallow heart. I’m okay with that.

  • Stephen

To be Continued…

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Watch me as I go.

Today is the last day of June and I can’t wait to end it very soon.

See, this month is a little catastrophe to me; Why?

I will be moving to a new room with five strangers around. The rent is cheaper to compare, but oddly, I feel like lost. Maybe because I used to live with persons I knew for years and this is really something new to me. I don’t know until when it finds me comforting about the sight of strangers at home.

I’m in the state of “hibernate friendship”. A friend was wrathful at me, believing that I bullied her for something which I don’t consider of. Whatever comes in my mind, I express it bluntly, if someone sees it as hounding then what shall I do? Do I have to always say sorry? To shut up? To choose my words? To bite my tongue?

I am most grateful if someone can tell me right into my face that they don’t like me anymore, or I have hurt them so I can apologize. It’s irritating to be ignored and to take silence because this is not the way I graft my life for.

This is so exhausting when issues stands unresolved , more wearing when I have no strength to protect the relationship, when promises are made to be broken. I might end up making a wrong decision, but this is how I take my way.

I am anxious this time to whether be myself or someone else. To be myself, then they will hate me, or to pretend someone else, but feeling sorry for the not being real.

I maybe lost control over everything in my head now, but I know exactly who I am. 

Take me as I am or watch me as I go.

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How Far You Have To Go?

How far you can take when someone deceived you,
lie at you
doesn’t respect you
broke you into pieces.

How far you can unloved yourself,
for not letting go
for feeling sorry
for not minding your broken soul.

How far the heavens will wait,
for you to give up
to pray and surrender
to lift up everything Above.

Wake up my friend,
for your heart is a pity
and your soul is weary.

How far you have to go?

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Closet of Miseries

When you broke up, he did everything he could to make you back. He cannot even dredge what he had done just to make you stay, approaches you have never cared, people that you have never considered about. You were so cruel, so self-centered, as if you are the most unfortunate soul suffering for what had happened between you and him.

When he finally understood that his mind needs to paced over from what his heart’s desire, he ended it by giving up. Giving up is not always his weak side, but sometimes it turns out to be the courageous act for his salvation. When he was certain that he doesn’t want to chase you anymore, but couldn’t stop his yearning, he made his own means of enduring his miseries.

Every time he missed you, he always writes a letter for you. A lot of letters that show the whole thing about his sentiments; there he expressed his lingering, begged you to come back, pleaded for another chance, being sorry though it wasn’t his fault and of course, cursed you to death. Those letters he has never sent it to you, neither he doesn’t have plans too. It was just his own resolution of saying goodbye and letting you go.

After a long two years, he unintentionally opens his old closet, and there he found you. You are the letters. He hid you from the closet of darkness and dismay where you are worthy to belong off, and there he buried you with the ashes of his sad memories.

Thank you for breaking his heart and for giving him the chance to see that life is much better, braver and nicer without you.

Now, his closet is afresh for another bunch of letters, waiting and accepting.

 

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In response to the Daily Post Challenge: CLOSET

THE CONCEPT OF LETTING GO

“The concept of letting go is a part of one’s growth process.

It means to leave the things the way they are and move forward.

In life, you need to let go of many things, at different points of time. You need to realize that life never stops and comes to a halt. It is extremely difficult to do so, but one has to do it repeatedly at different levels, since life calls upon us to do so.

You cannot think about the future or the new happenings in life, if you continue clinging to the old. Ron Taffel had once remarked, “Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It’s about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.”

When relationships or friendship turns sour or any one amongst one’s near and dear ones passes away, we face extreme difficult in letting go such things. Fond memories that leave an indelible impression on our minds are difficult to let go.

Let it go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things aren’t like before. Surely there is something better awaiting to happen.”

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Goodbye my first love

This is Jumbo.

Honestly, I am not super close to him.

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After my father and his gang killed my dog “Aban”, you can’t imagine how I detached myself from the dogs. To be exact, I was traumatized hearing him whimpering, whining, barking loudly until I could no longer hear him sound. And there I saw him, dangled high with fire below him. He was slaughtered and cooked for MEAL.

This happened when there was still no animal protection and welfare in the Philippines way back year 1986.

See, it was hard for me to accept. Even now, I still feel sad every time I remember what happened to him. I can cry right now. I wish I was grown up at that time so that I could fight with my father, so that Aban will die in old age and can give him a nice funeral. What I do now, is to blame my father for his cruelness every time we talked about it, he always shown remorse and explain his side.

When I saw this only picture of me and Jumbo, suddenly I feel bad about him. Just like my father, I have been harsh to him. I never cuddle him, gave him a bath, comb his long hair, walked with him in the park. I just made him food and chase him in the street when he’s out, that’s all.

So now, I promised myself to be good to Jumbo. I will treat him right, and will love him too. It’s about time to say goodbye to my first love Aban.  I’ve been keeping your memories for thirty years, and finally I have to move on.

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This is Jumbo looks now. My father took this picture.

GETTING OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE

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Today morning, I woke up strangely. The usual of feeling sluggish and more time wanting as my principle are still on my presence; of course nothing change of that, the fact that whoever invented the “morning work timing” was such a big lousy achievement. Whoever you are, I hate you so much.

Back to this morning, it was strange. Because when I opened my eyes, I was able to realize something. I hate my job. There is no bliss anymore and totally I feel depressed when I am with it.

That is the truth. I hate myself for being lousy, coward, lazy, rotten and unsure person, for letting myself into this, for letting   me complain only to myself and forgot that I have my wings to flutter, my fist to control and a mind to use.

One of my friends told me this; I have to be aggressive and start leaving my comfort zone If want to change something in my life. I know my comfort zone is overrated. This is why I am telling this; I am going to leave my comfort zone, soon.  I am just giving myself months to finish what I must to be ended, till then I will surely fly.

So help me Lord.

I am going to leave my COMFORT ZONE

BORROWED TIME

I have loved you and still loving you

But my love has limitations when it comes to you.

From the very start I know what I have been doing

I know exactly with you where I am going.

I have set my heart into freedom of loving you

Believing that one day I must let you go.

I grab the possibility of being happy today

And just deal the circumstance of being hurt someday.

You can say I didn’t love you completely

It is because I need to give myself less weary.

Yes I am ready to lose you

I hope you will accept it too.

Don’t make this hard for both of us

Somehow we need to pay the price.

We had the best of times in our life

And now is the time to say goodbye.

 

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FALLING APART

 FALLING APART

Sometimes life knocked it down on purpose, and falling apart to someone is part of it. Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together. Don’t be afraid falling apart because it is your opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you want it.