THE COURAGE TO BE ME.

                                                                                 Image credit to the good quotes

 

Recently, I have to ask myself what kind of person I have been presenting to this world. Why I feel that I’ve been completely misjudged?  Have I failed to show the real me? Have they found out that I am holding on to each little atom in my system to appear the world that I am tough, that they can’t break me? and for that reason, have they thought of me like raindrops dripping on a stone that eventually dries up?

But I am not always like that. See, I have my high and low moment.

You might think at every turn I am strong, but I have been quite vulnerable.

I cannot stop to believe, that the world I live in only cares about what it can get from me.

I function like I am fighting on, but there were instances that I want to leave off.

Sometimes, I hate the sound of time and responsibility, it wears me down.

I always laugh and smile, but in a grey, cold day, I cried a lot.

While surrounded with people, I still find some empty faces that I couldn’t trust.

I ruled my mind of being okay to be alone, but deep inside, I despise the winding lanes of desolation, afraid where the future can take me.

I never followed all my dreams, never leads the way, and here I am pretending as an example whom you aim to be.

Look, never assume that I can accept everything you implied because now and then I can be close-minded, intolerant, impatient, selfish and plainly insensible.

Don’t be blind for what you see on me because I have so many names and at the mercy of the whim you will never understand me.

I am telling you this with sincerity, I have no time to play your silly games and just wouldn’t dance with your pretense.  I can be your friend today and might be your enemy someday. I cannot promise to stay forever because I know myself I have the tendency to walk away. But if you hold on to me, I will do the same.

Every day, I am literally trying to hold on, to what it means. I have all the courage in this word to be me, so don’t judge me easily, you might just know my name, but not my whole story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MANY THE MILES

I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. The longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. This has got to be harder than anything that I have ever done, being this close to you but yet so far away.

I had to write to you today and, in a way, try to sooth this feeling that took over me so strongly. To miss someone is something you can’t explain; and being in a painful consequence of love, it may even be harder to describe than love itself.

I needed to tell you how much I am missing you today and how good it would make me feel to have your skin close to mine, to hold hands, to feel your breath and to look into your eyes. I miss the simple things, yet simple as they may be, they can only come true when you are near.

Until that moment arrives, I send to you across the miles, my tender love and my warm embrace.

Always.

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SHADES OF GRAY

For the last couple of weeks, I have swallowed in astonishment of my own conflict between my reason and emotion. I simply thought I was living in the life where black and white clarity is well defined.  I assumed that I can insist something from my limited perspective of what is really happening around.

I know it is uncomplicated to identify what is wrong and right, I was taught by that since I was born,  but then I realized that we are all living in shades of gray.  It’s not always black and white, right and wrong, good or bad, just like there were two sides to every story and the truth was probably somewhere in between the two.

I don’t want to perplex myself anymore thinking what it really is. It’s just like we are looking at the same thing but means something different. I want to believe that some part of this world fall on shades of gray because, in every situation, there is always something hard to explain, acceptance, though it is not that simple to do, it is one of the ways to pull yourself out from distortion of confusion.

If going back to the roads means I have to believe in circumstances, then I must be, because I want to live my life in black and white and lots of grays.

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HIS FAVORITE SURPRISE

It was such a lovely day. All her friends and family gathered together to celebrate the most awaiting day. Never in her life, she imagined she would meet someone exactly the person she longs to have; good, kind and handsome. Not that he only accepted her, but everyone around in her life. It was the miracle she was wishing for. To have someone who will call her own.

Everyone is smiling, wishing them well, sharing the incontestable feelings as if their prayers have been answered as well.  There was no hesitation, no looking back because the past is something to be learned, but the present is more significant.

Promises are made, but not to be broken.

Love will never be weakened.

Always ready to face the approaching dares and will never forget the affirmations made.

Love is made to be loyal, faithful and joyful.

It must be respected. It needs to be enjoyed.

“I have prepared everything in my life, but you, I never see you coming. You are my most favorite surprise.” He said.

I woke up with the sound of my alarm clock, damn, we should have kissed!

 

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Photo by: Tzardy

 

 

BONDING WITH WIFI

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Want some a real friendship bonding?

Stay away from your mobiles. For once, let's talk about me, you and us.

Honestly, I really don't like talking to someone who is pretending to listen to me while being busy playing with their phones. I get insulted. It lost my interest. It annoys me. It wants me to leave.

Why we need to meet up, then all we have to do is just stick our noses on the phone and taking pictures with sentimental captions like "happy to see them"? If you want to bond, let us enjoy the moment without thinking what is happening in the social media world. Don't ask the wifi password, challenge yourself.

If we can't do that, then shame on you, on me and on us. Let's stop this concealment and move on to our different lives.

I'm not happy to see you all  lost the essesnce of face-to-face interactions.

 

 

 

 

The Admiral: Roaring Currents

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12 Battleships against a fleet of 330. One man against all odds. Sounds too good to be true, right? But yes, this movie depicts from one of the greatest naval battles in Korea history which they stand last against the Japanese navy during the Imjin war in the Joseon Dynasty.

The Admiral Yi Sun-sin was a Korean naval commander who was well-respected for his exemplary conduct on and off the battlefield. He’s one of few Admirals in world history who remained undefeated.  In this movie, you will see how he implored some actual strategy to win and how he takes the lead in difficult moments.

I know I was a little bit late to watch this movie, but I’m glad I was able to.  This film is perfection for human perseverance and bravery.  They have an excellent cast, astounding production, and a good tribute to the valiant Koreans.

Verdict: 10/10

 

REAL WORLD

It’s the first thing I always say at our new employee training seminars. I gaze around the room, pick one person, and have him stand up. And this is what I say: I have some good news for you and some bad news. The bad news first. We’re going to have to rip off either your fingernails or your toenails with pliers. I’m sorry, but it’s already decided. It can’t be changed.

I pull out a huge, scary pair of pliers from my briefcase and show them to everybody. Slowly, making sure everybody gets a good look. And then I say: Here’s the good news. You have the freedom to choose which it’s going to be—your fingernails, or your toenails. So, which will it be? You have ten seconds to make up your mind. If you’re unable to decide, we’ll rip off both your fingernails and your toenails.

I start the count.

At about eight seconds most people say, ‘The toes.’ Okay, I say, toenails it is. I’ll use these pliers to rip them off. But before I do, I’d like you to tell me something. Why did you choose your toes and not your fingers? The person usually says, ‘I don’t know. I think they probably hurt the same. But since I had to choose one, I went with the toes.’

I turn to him and warmly applaud him. And I say, Welcome to the real world.”

― Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage

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Watch me as I go.

Today is the last day of June and I can’t wait to end it very soon.

See, this month is a little catastrophe to me; Why?

I will be moving to a new room with five strangers around. The rent is cheaper to compare, but oddly, I feel like lost. Maybe because I used to live with persons I knew for years and this is really something new to me. I don’t know until when it finds me comforting about the sight of strangers at home.

I’m in the state of “hibernate friendship”. A friend was wrathful at me, believing that I bullied her for something which I don’t consider of. Whatever comes in my mind, I express it bluntly, if someone sees it as hounding then what shall I do? Do I have to always say sorry? To shut up? To choose my words? To bite my tongue?

I am most grateful if someone can tell me right into my face that they don’t like me anymore, or I have hurt them so I can apologize. It’s irritating to be ignored and to take silence because this is not the way I graft my life for.

This is so exhausting when issues stands unresolved , more wearing when I have no strength to protect the relationship, when promises are made to be broken. I might end up making a wrong decision, but this is how I take my way.

I am anxious this time to whether be myself or someone else. To be myself, then they will hate me, or to pretend someone else, but feeling sorry for the not being real.

I maybe lost control over everything in my head now, but I know exactly who I am. 

Take me as I am or watch me as I go.

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Irrecoverable Loss: TIME

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Yes, we have a bathroom schedule to be followed during weekdays. For those who don’t know, flat and room rent here in Dubai is expensive and not all the expat could afford or doesn’t want to spend their money for such a high price.

In Filipino community, this is a common thing. We usually go as a bed spacer, partition (living room divided into 2-3 small rooms, shielded only with wood or curtains) or we could rent a big room, but with 4-6 friends together around.

Quite surprising, but this is the reality. I always wish to have my own place, but just couldn’t bear the cost of it.

“As time is the most irrecoverable for it can never be redeemed”, I need to follow those schedules so that I wouldn’t miss my time and to avoid problems with other flatmates.

It wasn’t easy, it takes a lot of discipline and I hate it.

Related Blog: Irrecoverable Loss

In response to the Photo Challenge: TIME

RIP HY

Dear Mrs. HY,

I know you don’t like me to be part of your husband’s life. I didn’t get it because it was 20 years ago when we had this young-love relationship. I have tried to be friends with him, but you simply prevented it. And now, it becomes impossible.

I just heard the very bad news, I am sorry for your lost.

I am so sad to hear that he got shot & killed in front of you and the kids, it was the most devastating news I have ever heard. I pray that the authority will find the one who did this to him and to your family soon. I pleaded for you & your children’s safety.

Condolence Mrs. HY.  You may have saved me from a huge heartbreak, but truly I am saddened, no one is worthy of this cruelty.

Rest in Peace to you Hamilton. May your soul be at peace with Heavenly Father.

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My Day in a life (DAY-8)

What do I do all day? To be honest, there is nothing significance, especially if there are no plans ahead. I just had a typical Thursday.

7:20 am – Waking time.

7:25 am – Still in the bed.

7:30 am – My coffee preparation.

7:35 -7:50 am – Shower time.

7:50-8:05 am – Dress up.

8:05-8:25 am – travel time to office.

8:26 am– reach in the office.

8:30 am -1:00 pm – at work

1:00 pm-2:00 pm – lunch break

2:00 pm – 2:30 pm – blogging, checking Facebook & chatting.

2:30 pm-5:30 pm – at work

5:30 pm-7:00 pm – at the mall, eye shopping.

7:00 pm- 8:30 pm – sumptuous dinner with my friends.

8:30-10:00 pm – at the mall with friends, just loafing around.

10:30 pm – reach my home.

11:00 pm – ready for bed.

11:00 pm – 3:00 am – Korean drama marathon

3:15 am – snoring time.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”

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Why Can’t It Be?

Yesterday, I went out to see an exhibition with my office mate. Actually, I really don’t want to go, but she kept on insisting. I don’t want to be labeled as killjoy especially in front of my boss who gave us free passes to the show. So, I went with her without expecting anything fun at all. By the way, I really don’t like her, if you remember my old post; The Most Impolite, well It’s her again.

Anyhow, we went there and nothing extra fun happened as I expected. I was about to complain to her that I was tired and wanna to go home, but when I saw in her eyes that she was really having fun with me, I wasn’t able to say a word. I’d love to be bad on her but just couldn’t do it.

I ask myself why.

For the past months, I gathered some info about her. She doesn’t have a Facebook account, wasn’t aware of Instagram too. She always asked permission of her husband for anything. She has never gone into movie houses, never drunk and don’t go out during weekends. Back in my mind, I was asking where the hell is she from. She must have a sad life, but of course, I don’t know her whole story.

Sometimes, I pity her because she doesn’t have friends to be around, sometimes I like her because she was laughing at my jokes, but most of the time I just want to ignore her.

Yesterday, she admitted that she had fun going out with me, which broke my heart. I can’t be honest with her, she might hurt.

I asked myself why I am so bad about this, why I just can like a person. Why I can’t be someone who can care enough to others. Why I made to be like this. Why there is always a wall in front of me, making it hard to trust other people?

Why I act a certain way in one place and feels different in another?

Reaching Out

In response to the daily prompt Toot Your Horn