Sometimes, we are the one who causes pain.  And I realized I owe a quite a bit of apology.

I met you at my lowest times.  I wasn’t exactly looking for love in that span of time, but just someone to fool around. I got you as the rebound for my failed relationship. I know I have created a big mess and have had hurt you enormously.

It should be a jarring relationship and because you are so good to suffer my flaws, I have to end it. My conscience begs me to do it because deep inside I know you are not worthy to share of every drop from my lies and insincerity.

I am sorry about the way I handled things to end.  You were too great, but I was so sure of myself that still, I can’t love you back, or anyone else.

I am sorry for ignoring your calls, for hiding myself and for keeping the truth. I am sorry for making you love me and never reciprocated it. I am sorry for giving you heartache you never deserved, for being with me in times of my needs, but left you unsettled. So sorry because I have hurt you cruelly.

Despite all, THANK YOU for writing me today, for hearing my words with an assurance that it wasn’t hard for you to forgive me.  Thank you for letting me those guilts off my chest.

I’m happy now that you got your real love from someone who deserves you better than me. I cheer for your endless happiness.



“Don’t pull away from the rest of the world.
For those of you that are out there,
with no friends,
with no one to support you,
those who are being neglected.

You are never alone.

Somewhere on this earth,
there is ALWAYS someone who is there for you.

There is always someone that cares about you and feels your pain.
There is always someone that will understand your story.

Don’t be afraid to come out of your shell.
Don’t be afraid to interact with people.
Don’t be afraid to be who you are.”



Dear My Big Boy,

I am so sad today and I don’t know why. Something lures in my mind that impede me to work and move. Maybe boredoms hit me again and all I could ever think is you.

When I was in metro train this morning, I saw this little boy clinging to his nanny so tight. I couldn’t stop watching him till he was gone. I hate to admit it, but I don’t like what I have seen, it makes me so sick.

Perhaps I am sad because I miss you. And missing you is not simple to hold. And to hold you is all I want to do. And to do this thing are very impossible at this moment. And that makes me sad.

How I wish your near and we could go out and have some fun. I wish tonight we could sleep in the same bed together, do our pillow fights and end our night with the same prayer.

I wish.

Missing you,

Your Mom

(written Oct 27,2010)



Have you ever had the feeling that things get a little uninteresting, too blaring, but you can’t hardly hear, so much to think, but you can’t contemplate?

Have you ever lost your desire for something you considered adoring about?

Have you tried to ignore things that made you glad? Have you?

I have.

Lately, I lost interest in my everyday life. I feel like a zombie. I see the days as repetitive. Nothing is exciting, and there’s not a thing to make me feel excited about. I am so lazy to find the sunshine.

You might give me an answer that I have missed any inspiration. Then who and what will inspire me?

Work?  A must that I should not escape.
Friends? They are not always around, they have their own lives too.
Son? He gives me a headache for the past few days.
Shopping? Each penny is counted now a days, I have to save.
Food? It gives fleeting happiness. It makes me fat.
Alcohol? It offers me only short-term black out.
Love Life? It bores me.

I definitely don’t feel inspired. Let me check tomorrow again.







When I see you today smiling and seemed perfectly happy with your new family, I ached inside. Not because I am envious that you have finally made your life right, but because I feel like I am left alone. Until this moment I cannot decide which path should I take and it sucks a little bit.




– Judge yourself. That is the most difficult thing of all. It is much more difficult to judge oneself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself rightly, then you are indeed a man of true wisdom.

– Conceited people never hear anything but Praise.

-Men have no more time to understand anything.  They buy things all ready -made at the shops.  But there is no shop anywhere where you can buy friendship.

-What is essential is invisible to the eye.

-No one is ever satisfied where he is.

-But the eyes are blind.  One must look with the heart.

I beg you

I beg you, let me sleep tonight
Dizz me off to seems forever.
I don’t want to think nor to cry
Because to find an answer,
I can’t even try.

Feeling hopeless. Useless and miserable
I don’t even have the answer to all this.
So please I beg you even just for tonight
Let me sleep in peace and softly tight.


Suddenly I cried. It’s been a while since I shed tears because of sadness.

There are only two things that made me into this;

First, if I saw a Christmas tree when holiday is fast approaching.  It means another year of special occasion away from home.

Second, if I saw my son’s letters, cards and drawings out of the plan.  That’s why I keep them away from my sight.  It would really change the atmosphere.

Gosh.  I really miss him so badly.  He just grew up like that and I have missed so much opportunity to see him grow.  And it really hurts to accept.

Sometimes I feel life is so cruel to hold and it is more painful when you don’t know when this will end.

Damn tears, it keeps on falling.



Most people believe that being alone means LONELINESS. Well, the truth is it’s very normal to feel. Human nature has some loneliness inside, even people who have got everything of their heart’s desire is also feeling this way. There is no point to denying the disadvantages, and it’s better to find ways to either accept them or compensate for them.

I got lonely sometimes, and I hate it for some reasons. I just keep telling myself “This is what happens when you live alone!!” , it turns out occasionally when;

I got sick.

Afraid to die on CHOKING alone.

Woke up in a nightmare.

When my back is itchy and there’s no one soul to rub it.

Pay all the bills and expenses alone.

Being mad about something and there’s no one to divert the madness.

No one to bounce ideas off.

When I hear creepy noises at night.

Tend to talk to myself.

Sleep too much from boredom.

Carrying heavy stuff.

Musing over bad memories.

Apt to miss my loved ones all the time.

No one to prepare my meals.

I love to have “space” but I know that “too much space” can never substitute the love and warmth of being with someone. I have learned to balance between the advantages & disadvantages.  You just have to recognize yourself for who you are and how are you destined to act.

I am just the kind of person doesn’t want to remain lonely in the crowd.


“A person who is feeling lonely should avoid situations such as:

  • drinking alcohol alone.
  • using other escapes such as non-prescribed medications
  • watching so much television that it becomes a substitute for socializing “


We are supposed to welcome the new year together, make a noise, eat and play. Missing you in this celebration and wishing you to be safe, healthy, happy, more love, more fun and play.

Happy new year my son,  thinking & loving you from miles away.