TO MY ONE & ONLY

To my one and only,

I Appreciate you being a sport minded person. From wrestling and boxing as your passing hobbies, then basketball, which we both liked and you enjoyed most.

This time, I allowed you to join the Taekwondo training thinking it would only be a past time for you, but when you asked my permission to join the school tournament as a representative of your level, I never say YES. We argued about it and you are mad at me.

I don’t care if you’d think I never supported you. How can I allow my one and only to get hurt with kicks and punches and who knows what will happen out there? Call me selfish, but I just love you that I couldn’t even bear to think you would be physically hurt. You knew my reasons, and it will never change.

As a Parent, we encourage our kids to do the things they truly enjoyed and promise them to support in any ways we can, but what if we don’t agree in the dreams they have chosen? and they thought we are the one who’s blocking their path to success?

Truly, it is a challenge to guide them while being objective about our own feelings as a Parent.

PRAY FOR MY DREAM

I thought that I could reach them.

The moments that I’d dreamed of. That’s why I walked confidently while holding onto some faith.  I thought that if I didn’t give up and keep going, that if I’d given it my all, I’d see stars before me and that I’d finally accomplish my dream.  I prayed every day as I only ever looked forward and ran and hoped that there would be a light at the end of this dark, dim tunnel.  I was consumed by hope and ran, and ran.

Yes, I wanted to see that bright light. It really felt like it wouldn’t be much longer now and that it was within my reach. But why, why do I still feel like I’m in the same place and that I’m lacking?

In order to run again, I have to endure and get back up. But there are so many parts of reality that are so hard to bear,  it feels like I’m being forced off my feet, onto the ground.

I’m trying my best to bear it because I don’t want to lose and this is a dream that I want to sacrifice everything in order to achieve. So why is it getting harder for me as I try harder? Why isn’t anyone acknowledging my earnest?  Why am I being toyed with? I don’t ask for much, I just want this one thing.

But as more time passes, all I want to do is sit in defeat.  Why should I have to accept the responsibilities that this world has created for me? Why should I have to endure all this pain? The world won’t leave me alone, and that isn’t my fault.

That’s what I’ve said, but all I’ve done was hide and run because I’m at a loss.

Lord Above, I beg you, hear my plea! And I hate that this is the only thing I can do.  

The only thing I can do is tread on thorns with my bare feet but I close my eyes and say, “I pray for my dream.” 

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HOPE FOR THE FLOWERS.

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“Hope for the Flowers is an inspiring allegory about the realization of one’s true destiny as told through the lives of caterpillars Stripe and Yellow, who struggle to “climb to the top” before understanding that they are meant to fly.

I love this book. Quite simple, but beautifully written. The allegorical story gives us the message of how to become somebody while showing how to value life and relationship. 

There are times when we believe that we couldn’t do anything more than what we have in our life, we stick to be sluggish and being hopeless about the situation. This book reminded me again to explore and discover myself beyond what I see and believe.  We have to know our worth. 

Yes, hope is still there. I can’t wait to fly!

Verdict: 10/10

 

Mommy, respect me.

My 14 year old son begged me not to force him to join in one of the school activities that his teacher and grandmother asked him to participate. He was on the verge of desperation, as if I am the last person who would save him that whatever my decision would be, he has no choice, but to follow it.

I appreciated that, despite our long distance situation, I am still in the picture that he still comes to me not only in times of delight, but more importantly in his needs of someone to understand him. Back to the story, I asked him a lot of questions regarding his issue, to be honest there was nothing wrong about it, I might convince him too to participate, but I chose not.

I told him I would not force him to do what he doesn’t like as long as it will not affect his grades and performance at school.  I will respect his decision as much as possible too.  He was relieved, then calls me the best mom ever.

What struck me most was the last message he sent me before saying goodbye, he said, “It was right that children should respect their Parents, but Parents  should respect their children too.”

Wow. I stopped for a while. He was aware now that RESPECT is a too way street.

Yes, it is a challenge for me to step back a little while staying connected to this grown-up kid because I know one day he will be determined to live his life in his own way and, probably I will be needing more understanding too that “we are alike, not  in personality or character, but as a person.”

He was seven years old in this picture, never thought he would grew so fast.

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Time Will Come

New York is 3 hrs ahead of California but it does not mean that California is slow, or that New York is fast. Both are  working based on their own “Time Zone.”

Someone is still single. Someone got married and waited 10 yrs before having a child, there is another who had a baby within a year of marriage.

Someone graduated at the age of 22, yet waited 5 years before securing a good job; and there is another who graduated at 27 and secured employment immediately.

Someone became CEO at 25 and died at 50 while another became a CEO at 50 and lived to 90 years.

Everyone works based on their ‘Time Zone’.

People can have things worked out only according to their pace. You just have to work in your “time zone”.

Your Colleagues, friends, younger ones might “seem” to go ahead of you. Maybe some might “seem” behind you.

Don’t envy them or mock them, it’s their ‘Time Zone.’  You are in yours!

Hold on, be strong, and stay true to yourself. All things shall work together for your good. You’re not late. You are not early. You are very much On time.”

 

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MY SURVIVAL IS MY SUCCESS.

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What is success? How do I define it with my own experience and defeats? Well, I have my own definitions, maybe most of you would not agree.

I only considered success when I was at school, fantasizing I could achieve anything when I fly out to the real world.  At this instant, I ceased to think about it – anymore.  I am in the midst of battle, and when you are in combat, you could no longer think of success, but only how to live and to survive.

“Success is the achievement of something planned or attempted.

Survival is staying alive or in existence despite of.”

I just thought, success is only for those who have enormous courage to fight for their own dreams – from those who have tried to block their victory and even have the ability to control their destiny. Success is not to those who are afraid to take risks, who has only limited imaginations, not for those who can’t fully trust themselves and who worries too much to fail.

You can have success if you are brave.

 You can survive if you don’t choose.

How can I be successful when I am just following the flow, when lifting the burden only I can carry. I don’t go beyond what I cannot do. I have never tried to surpass afar. I am just too comfortable in my comfort zone.

My survival is my success.

Fearless Fantasies

If I were incapable of feeling fear right now,  I’m pretty sure I have so much things to share & be proud of, or maybe I would be dead too.

I have lots of fearless fantasies, fantasies that I know would never happen to me.

  1. Bull Riding – I want to beat the the most dangerous eight seconds in sports.
  2. Base Jumping – Love to boast a stunt in the air.
  3. Scuba Diving
  4. Big Wave Surfing
  5. Water Rafting – I’m afraid of being pushed or thrown into a body of water and I can’t swim in the deep ocean too!
  6. Mountain Climbing – I want to climb the world’s highest peak Mount Everest!
  7. Car Racing while being Drunk!

I know, i know some people have done that and I envy them for they have lots of spirits & guts to do what they like. Me? would be forever fearful of such.

 

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The Daily Prompt: Fearless Fantasies

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When I arrive at work, my boss was excited to talk about what happened to the Ms. Universe pageant. I said “excuse me?” and he was surprised to know that I didn’t watch it, remarking that I am only from the Philippines he knows that didn’t watch the show.

Well, it’s true. The last time I watched the whole show was year 1994. I have just seen the highlights from video clips & news. What can I do, I’d love to watch Victoria Secret fashion show more than Ms. Universe.

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But of course, I watch some of the clips, especially when Steve Harvey mistakenly names the wrong #MissUniverse2015. How sad it was for Ms. Columbia when he corrected his mistake. It’s one of the most shocking ends of the Miss Universe final, but not to Ms. Philippines. Yahoo!!!

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Congratulations to our  Ms. Universe 2015, Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach.  The Philippines is indeed very proud of you. Achieved!

 

 

 

GOALS FOR OCTOBER (day 1)

My goals?

When was the last time I earnestly set a goal for myself? I can’t even remember! Too bad. Too crummy. But since this challenge, defy me, I would have to think about it, hard.

My goals are:

  1. To finish the short term course in my Accounting subject with 3 accounting system with perfect scores & knowledge, even my first objective was to have only the certificate for additional credentials.
  2. To have extra money this month around $2500.00, to enroll the course for CMA (Certified Management Accountant).
  3. To have a job description in my work, and not only to wait for random responsibility.
  4. To find a new place to stay, it should be neat, quite & cheap.
  5. To talk to my son heart to heart regarding his “issues” on his transition period of being a teenager.
  6. Not to post anything in my Facebook account.
  7. To watch a movie once a month.
  8. To save at least $55.00 from my monthly allowance.
  9. To finish reading the 2 books I have.
  10. To do pay forward.

Well, as what the saying goes.. setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan. May I will review my goals everyday to achieve maybe not all of them, but will be most of them.

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Responsibility. Big word.

People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”  – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince      

Responsibility. Big word.

I started to become responsible when I have my son in my life. Though I was quiver for a while, and took me a little way to escape, but still I was able to play the track again.

Before my husband left us for another woman, I became a full time wife. Though I didn’t enjoy it and came to a point of hating it, later I realized it was a good job after all. Taking care of your kids full time has always been a privilege for us mothers. It was a happy, hard, boring moments in my life, but I always feel grateful whenever I think about it.

When my marriage failed, I was left alone with my hand’s full of responsibility; our son, our credit card bills &  jobless! as if I was doomed to carry all the hardship in life without a taste of readiness.  I was afraid to wake up in the morning because I don’t know what to do, where to start & how could I go on.  I even tried to think it’s better to die then, but when I saw my son’s face sleeping peacefully beside me, I had woken up from my selfish deeds. Yes, I have to be responsible forever for what I have tamed, responsible for my son’s life.

Responsibility, big word, It is.

Because of that, I was able to pick up the pieces of myself one by one, slowly but considerably. I went through this kind of rebellion; school, drinking, work, drinking, boyfriends, and I treated my son as my last priority.

I always came home from work late and drunk. In that usual occasion, my Parents reprimanded me by locking all the doors and not wanting me to go inside. I even pee outside on our porch and vomited several times. I was such a difficult person at that time. Then one night, I went home bombed with alcohol, I was calling my Mother to open the door for me, unexpectedly, my son did. I was startled, so I stand straight, not wanting him to see my drunken face and asked him why he still awake. With sluggish and innocent look, he replied without hesitations; “’I’m afraid you couldn’t get in since grandma doesn’t want to open the door for you.”

I have believed since that night, I became his responsibility and he should be my top priority. I could no longer endure my pointless disposition, I almost forgot there was someone who always waited for me to come home, my little rose, my son, my responsibility.

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LOOKING FORWARD

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The year is about to end and we couldn’t stop it for keeping rotating around. We would say “it seems just yesterday“ and yet when we see one last drop from our calendar is waiting, then we have realized what we have done.

Personally, I hate impending this way. I dislike seeing myself that I have wasted such time and yet until this last minute I have never done anything for myself to be proud of, saying this word “yes, I did it!”  because deep down within me, I didn’t do anything at all. I just followed the everyday‘s life movement, pretending that this is all I ever wanted and contented to be.

I have so much hope for the next year. I wish I could shift my butt to some changes that I really wanted to take place. I need to gather all good forces to possible ladder of my success.